You gotta muffle it with a pillow.

This clock radio we keep in the basement is defective. (That's one reason we keep it in the basement.) The volume knob no longer works gradually, like any decent volume knob. Now it has two distinct volumes: inaudible and way too loud. We leave the radio on when we're fostering feral cats in the basement, so they can have some "company." But we have to muffle the sound with a pillow, or else it would drive the cats crazy. They've got enough problems.

Thanks a lot, stupid radio.

SPECIAL: Faucet found to be evil.

The faucets are finally getting their comeuppance! A judge has seen through their facade of innocent water dispensing and ordered the faucets' human lackeys to pay $125,000 for spreading evil. Or, whatever it was. Go read the article.

The faucet "turned itself on"! (Emphasis added, but can you blame me?)

You gotta use the outlet in the bathroom.

The electrical system in our house is making monkeys out of us. The kitchen outlets went off-line one by one. Now, we gotta plug in the microwave in the bathroom.

No offense to the hillbillies of the world, but this... This is unacceptable. Snaking an extension cord from the kitchen into the bathroom? Who wants to live like that?

Are the electricians in on this? Are they double-agents?

SPECIAL: Defeat the cyclops in your home.

Are you stalked by a one-eyed operative? Translation: Is your television boring into your mind and filling it with tawdry propaganda? (It's okay, you can admit it.)

I am pleased to tell you of a new weapon in Our Struggle, introduced to me by (let us say) an ally. Behold the TV Kozy!

You laugh, but this device can blind the cyclops! Fight the power!

You gotta put the pieces together just right.

My clip-on sunglasses snapped in half. Now, to use them, I need to clip the half that has the clippy part onto the glasses, and then work the other half under the clippy part. And even then, they're lopsided and I look like I got into a fight.

Sure, I could shell out $3 for new clips-ons, but then they would win!

You gotta pull it gently.

We bought new shower rings—the kind that are C-shaped, instead of O-shaped. They're easier to remove when it's time to clean the shower curtain.

Oh, but there's a trade-off! Every time you open or close the shower curtain, you must pull gently, or else several "rings" will come off the bar, and what good is that?

They do this on purpose!

You gotta use every remote.

The remotes are in league with each other, and sabotage is their game.

The TV remote is on the fritz. New batteries, old batteries, it doesn't matter. We had to buy a universal remote. But there are TV remote functions that the universal remote can't handle. There are also DVD remote functions that it can't handle. So we need to choreograph this whole, stupid ballet just to, say, change the time on the TV.

Enough already!

You gotta make it your own.

BattleCobra90000 writes:

We have at the top of our stairs one of those hateful double-wired lightswitches. Sometimes up is on, other times it's down. But sometimes when up should be on, it's off. In talking this over with the wife, I found we have radically different solutions. She gives it another couple of shoves into the up position, whereas I give it a nice wiggle to the left. Remember freedom fighters, you gotta make it your own.

You gotta shove a gum wrapper in there.

Joanna writes:

I've put up with this problem for almost a year. The button on the emergency handle in my car rattles whenever the car is in motion (which is ALWAYS, since that's what cars do...they move). I suppose the button is just not tightly secured inside the handle, so it jiggles around and creates a constant buzzing sound. So, to remedy this irritating vibration, I grabbed a gum wrapper from my car floor, folded it up reeeeal tiny and shoved that thing into the space between the button and the inside if the handle. This is working out nicely, compared to my old solution: driving with one hand on the button, to keep it still.

In conclusion, to quote Nadine from Twin Peaks, "By God, that thing will be quiet now."