You gotta block it with your hand.

Ah, pump soap. Pump soap, pump soap, pump soap. (I was shaking my head as I typed that.) The kind we have in the bathroom now is poorly designed. Or, I mean, the nozzle part of the mechanism is poorly designed. If you put your hand where you would normally put your hand when dispensing pump soap, when you pumped it, the soap would shoot out and get you in the shirt front. So you gotta block the jetting spray with your hand instead. And the hard part is, you have to remember to do this. Which you won't. Not every time.

You gotta use your own brain.

BattleCobra90000 writes:

Getting a new microwave oven is an exciting event for any young family. Our last 'wave had dead keys (for example, the number 5) and took what seemed like hours to heat up a measly stick of butter. Enter Goliath. Not only is he more powerful than his predecessor, he's more "intelligent." I put "intelligent" in "quotes" to indicate that maybe he's not such a smarty after all.

I put a warm cup of coffee in our new oven, select "Reheat," and press "3" for "Beverage, 1-3 servings." I'm well within operating parameters here: I don't want to heat my beverage, just re-heat it. My 10 ounces of coffee seems well within the range of 1-3 servings. I'm confident. I press "Start." I wait.

Then something goes off in my head. "Wow, it's been in there a long time." I turn around just in time to see brown lava erupting from my cup. Goliath has boiled my coffee! That's not smart! That's stupid!

Stupid Goliath—from now on, I'm using my own brain.

You gotta make like a safecracker.

If you want to get the water just the right temperature in the shower, you need to use the Safecracker Technique. This involves precise movements of the cold water knob. Imagine you are a safecracker. You're spinning the dial, clicking one tiny notch at a time. It's like that, except, instead of packets of crisp twenties, your goal is only a shower at the right temperature. One millimeter too far, and the shower's freezing. One millimeter too far in the other direction, and it's scalding. It really tests your patience and your fine motor control.

You gotta move the jugs from under the soap thing.

Has anyone ever created a soap dispenser that does not drip messy squiggles of soap after you've dispensed?

In the bathroom at work, two jugs of drain opener sit directly underneath the wall-mounted soap dispenser.

Every time you push the soap dispensing bar to wash your hands, stringy drips land on the jugs. They are now wrapped in sticky pink cocoons.

NOTE: I should say "You would gotta move the jugs from under the soap thing" because, hey, it's not my bathroom. Or my drain opener jugs.

Bathroom Faucet vs. Shower: Fantasia on a Theme

Which Do I Hate More?

The bathroom tap on vanity stands
To cleanse each pilgrim's toil-stain’d hands
But O! What delicate treachery abounds
Within those hellish pounding sounds!

For offerings, the rules are tight
And rare's the pilgrim who offers right.
On twisting out the hot, poor prayers find
Such moaning as to rend one's mind

They sear, they burn, they rattle bones,
These too-hot, too-demented moans.
Pilgrims leap to summon cold,
Hearts a-racing, blood made bold.

To bathtub tap, and your even’s rest,
Harried pilgrims, from journeys’ stress!
But respite flees on lupine legs
As ev’ry weary pilgrim begs.

If too much cold be added in
That baleful bellow uncoils within
And tub pipes loose upon the world
A shrieking misery unfurl'd.

The cold! Too much! Show mercy please—
Tub plumbing does not scald, but freeze.
Hasten hot into the tub
Before that long-awaited scrub.

While sink tap quails at the hot
Tub pipes shrink from what is not.
Which of them levies the dearer cost—
The one that asks for heat, or frost?

Turn your back, pilgrim sapped,
Renounce them both who leave you tapped.
Try the third while you yet think.
Behold your savior: kitchen sink.

UPDATE: You don't gotta hold it open anymore.

So long, crappy, broken metal foot-pedal trashcan.

Hello, crappy plastic swing-flap dome trashcan.

I don't like this one either.